Said she (II)

This is me in 1950. I woke up in the morning and was surprised that the sun was shining. I drank coffee for breakfast that my husband didn’t finish before he went for a walk with the dog. His aunt was visiting us. I never really liked her. She made me and my husband go for a walk up the hill behind our house where he took this picture at 10.34am. In the moment he triggered the shutter I was wondering if I will ever see the sea and the fact that I didn’t know the answer made me very angry. It was a desperate anger that I didn’t know how to get rid of and it accompanied me to bed that evening and made me dream of ships full with christmas trees that my husband built in our garden and me telling him that he doesn’t understand a single thing.

My husband’s aunt started to sing a song some minutes after the picture was taken and I sang with her because there was nothing else to do. My husband laughed and told us that we are two of his three most beloved women. I hoped that we would get a daughter soon so I can get out of this ranking.

Years later we went to the funeral of his aunt and later on he framed the picture and put in on the wall in our living room. I am looking at it now. I am looking at me looking back at me while wondering if I will ever see the sea. I know the answer by now. It is different to what I expected. It didn’t make the ships in my dreams go away. It helped. But not enough.

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